Social media has become a big part of my life.

Since graduating college, I’ve added Social Media Coordinator, Brand Marketing Coordinator, and Marketing Content Specialist to my initially bare-boned resume. I’ve committed countless hours to researching, reporting and analyzing social media trends and behaviors over the last three years.

I created my first MySpace page when I was just eleven years old. Since then, I probably haven’t gone a day without using social media in one way or another.

Either way, It’s always fascinated me. The amount of influence it has on society and my generation in particular is insane.

Don’t see where I’m coming from? Think about this:

• There are now 3.196 billion people using social media.
• 11 new people start using social media every second, which equals roughly 1 million new social media users every day.
• By 2019, social media marketing spend in the U.S alone will reach $17.34 billion.
• The average American spends over two hours per day on social media.

Crazy, right?

Well ask yourself this: have you ever forgotten your phone at home? Or accidentally left it in the backseat of an Uber?

During your time without it, was it obvious how often you thought about it? Or how frequently you literally reached for it even though it wasn’t there? How many times did you think about checking it it? Or wish it was with you so you could check it?

Chances are, you were shocked to come face to face with an obsession you never knew you had.

At least that’s what happened for me.

I was recently struck by how often I felt inclined to tap my home screen just to check for notifications, even though I never actually heard my phone ring or vibrate.

It hit me extra hard when I found myself doing it in my sleep.

There was a period of time when I’d wake up, sometimes 5-10 times per night, just to check my phone. I wasn’t waiting to hear from anyone, nor did it make a sound that caused me to wake up. I was just anxiously waking up to check it. For no real reason at all.

This was super concerning to me. I was so connected to my phone that it was starting to control my subconscious brain. How freaky?

That’s what prompted me to start paying attention. Why do I want to check it? When? How often? What am I looking for? Who am I looking at? Where do I spend my time? Which do I go to first?

I started making little observations every time I opened a social media app. After one month of self-monitoring, my first realization was that I needed to reevaluate some semi stalker-ish tendencies. But most importantly, here’s what I  learned:

Instagram was my go-to.

For some reason, Instagram was almost always the platform I checked first. Without even thinking about it.

Then I checked Snapchat.

Next was Facebook.

Then Twitter.

This made sense. I’d say it’s pretty much my order of preference. Next.

I consumed content passively.

This was more surprising to me. Yes, I was scrolling through a handful of platforms multiple times a day. But for some reason, I engaged with other people’s posts less frequently than I would have guessed. I’d read captions, look at pictures and view stories, but I hardly ever liked, commented, or replied to other people’s posts.

I actually considered it to be a little selfish, which led me to consciously and purposefully engage more with my social media peeps.

You only get what you give away, right?

It was important how many likes I got.

I don’t know why, but it was like I was in competition with myself to get more likes than my last post.

If I ended up with less likes than I predicted, I felt super discouraged. What a stupid, unjustified reason to feel sad.

Not to mention how unreasonable it was to barely like other people’s posts, but expect everyone to like mine.

Come on, Jen. Get your shit together.

And finally, the big one. The observation I got hung up on. The one that blew my mind the most:

Social media made me sad. And when I felt sad, I went on social media.

First: whenever I felt down, social media somehow became a bigger focus for me. If I was having a bad day or just felt less satisfied with myself for whatever reason, I was noticeably more involved with scrolling, publishing and checking up on my posts like a bad fucking habit.

I hated not knowing why in the world I was doing this. It was a real problem for me.

That’s when the dork in me took full control. I did some brainstorming and to my surprise, kind of came to a conclusion:

On the days I felt sad, I used social media three to four times more than usual…and almost always felt the need to post something really epic.

Like a smoking hot picture of me from a few years back or a video from that one time I popped champagne in a limo.

It was like I was unknowingly trying to fill the gaps in my self-esteem by seeking out flattery from other people. And on top of that, I needed to let everyone else know I was doing just fine. Nothing says you’re doing just fine like riding in a limo.

Realizing I participated in this incredibly insecure behavior made me feel as shallow as a grave in hell.

So I did more research. I mean, who wants to be alone in that?

As it turns out, lots and LOTS of psychologists have studied the same thing.

They’ve found people with depression naturally tend to compare themselves to others more often – they’re people who’ve tried to cut down on social media without any success. Even when it’s had a negative impact on their studies or job performance.

Here’s the kicker: people with depression are more likely to post pictures of just themselves.

They have to fill the gaps. They need the confirmation more. The same way I do on my meh days.

I realized those feelings were side effects of getting stuck in a vicious cycle. When I was sad, I turned to social media for help. But it was social media that made me sad to begin with. Because what’s missing from social media is exactly that: sadness.

It thrives without the element of suffering – the bullshit and misfortune and heartache we, as humans, deal with every damn day of the week.

Because God forbid we let the world know our lives are a playbook of less than perfect. How embarrassing would that be, right?

Wrong.

No one is doing as well as you think they are.

It’s just that we tend to post the best of the best.

The best photos of ourselves. The best experiences. The absolute most FUN parts of the week: happy hours, house parties, celebrity encounters, engagements, award ceremonies, bachelorette weekends, vacations and scholarly accomplishments.

And when you get home to your messy apartment exhausted from your 9 to 5 desk job, scroll through social media, and look at pictures of everyone else living their best fucking lives, you’re guaranteed to feel like a loser.

Don’t be alarmed. Don’t feel shallow. You’re only human.

Just like the rest of us.

But what can you do about it?

Try to be more aware.

The social media world we may as well live in has conditioned us to think what’s normal is not okay. If you keep letting it fool you, you’ll always lose to something more luxurious.

Because social media has a zero tolerance policy with ugly, bad, beaten down, or broken.

The photoshopped bikini pictures, airbrushed selfies, fairytale engagement photos, and panoramas of  European landscapes have taught us that who we really are, how we’re really doing, what we really look like, and how life really is….just isn’t good enough anymore.

The worst part? none of what’s making us feel that way are honest reflections of life.

We sit at home bawling our eyes out every Tuesday for nothing. We wish we had more money, more time, and more energy so we can have a better body, a bigger wardrobe, and blemish-free skin. And yet we’re comparing ourselves to fragmented parts of edited reality. A.K.A shit that doesn’t actually exist.

So next time you think your life is less than ideal, or somehow worse off than the people you follow on Instagram, remind yourself that behind every post is someone who’s fighting a battle you know nothing about.

Social media is just our way of coping with it: Faking it. Acting like we’re killing it when we’re not. It’s a playground for deception. Might as well reap the benefits.

It’s a messed up thing to realize, but it’s normal and we’re all guilty participants.

So don’t feel bad about carrying on with your social media cravings. Just make sure you do it with caution and care.

I know I will.

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